TIME: Almanac 1993/TIME Almanac 1993.iso/time/042489/04248900.000

Text File | 1992-09-23 | 6.2 KB | 124 lines

                                                                                ESSAY, Page 92

Aphrodite Was No Lady


By Jesse Birnbaum


    Everybody who is somebody has got to take a hit now and
then. When you are famous, people start rehashing your sex
life, and, first thing you know, your reputation goes down the
tube and your nomination with it. Happens all the time. Gary
Hart. John Tower. Aphrodite.

    Yes, fabled Golden Aphrodite! Also known as Kallipygos
(Beautiful Buttocks). Borne full-blown from the sea (aphros
means foam; -dite rhymes with nightie). Worshiped for centuries
by amorous couples coupling clamorously. She was Homer's
Goddess of Pure and Heavenly Love, but we forget that Homer was
blind. So, alas, are we. Turns out that Aphrodite (Venus to you
Romans) was not Ms. Clean at all but the Goddess of Naughty Sex.
It is she we can thank for most of mankind's sexual problems,
and chief among these is our obsession with her elusive elixir,
the aphrodisiac.

    Nothing is safe from her depredations, not even endangered
species. Government agents recently rounded up a band of
poachers accused of slaughtering hundreds of black bears in the
Northeastern U.S., ripping out their gallbladders and selling
them for profit. The gallbladders are dried and ground into
powder and sent to Asia, where they are sold for as much as
$540 an oz. for "medicinal" purposes. Men who take a tiny pinch
of the powder are convinced that it enhances their libido. They
believe that if you devour parts of a powerful animal, you will
absorb its sexual vitality. And if bear gallbladder fails, they
will contrive potions and lotions from the hump of the camel,
the penis of the tiger or the horn of the rhinoceros.

    So it was Aphrodite who led us on. For starters, according
to one account, she was created from the genitals of the god
Uranus, who had been hurled, dismembered, into the sea by his
ill-tempered son Cronus. Her husband was Hephaestus, blacksmith
to the gods and the ugliest fellow in the pantheon. This may
explain why Aphrodite lost no time in fooling around with
squads of other gods and not a few surprised mortals, among them
an obscure shepherd or two. It is no wonder that Aphrodite
should continue to be so seductive even to this day.
Underachieving, oversexed men -- and for that matter
overachieving, undersexed men -- keep pounding at this hussy's
door, and she is always at home.

    Her earliest visitors, the ancient Greeks and Romans, tried
just about any concoction to have their way with her. A
scholarly study on the subject by Alan Hull Walton tells us
that the pith from the branch of the pomegranate tree and the
testes of animals were considered hot stuff. So were certain
foods. "If envious age relax the nuptial knot," advised the poet
Martial, "thy food be scallions, and thy feast shallot." Onions
were a favorite, as were garlic, pepper, savory, cabbage,
asparagus, eggs, pineapples, snails ("but without sauce,"
cautioned the fastidious Petronius) and just about any creature
dredged from Aphrodite's watery birthplace.

    In biblical times, the mandrake root spelled sexual power,
possibly because it resembled the male reproductive organs.
Early Arabic authors created a veritable
Aphrodisiac-of-the-Month Club. The Perfumed Garden for the
Soul's Delectation, by a 15th century sheik named Nefzawi,
recommended sparrow's tongue and, at bedtime, a glassful of
honey, 20 almonds and 100 grains of the pine tree. Indian
experts prescribed a powder made from the bones of a peacock.
Europeans in the Middle Ages preferred the testes or urine of
all sorts of animals. One Frenchman favored the flesh of a
crocodile ground into powder and mixed with sweet wine ("Works
miracles," he promised). Some Europeans taught that eating an
apple that had been soaked in the sweat of your lover's armpit
was a sure means of seduction -- provided, of course, that you
had prior access to your lover's armpit.

    As tastes became more refined, sensuous dining did the
trick. Richelieu (the 18th century duke, not, thank heaven, the
Cardinal) gave elegant little suppers for his friends and their
mistresses, all of whom dined in the buff. Madame de Pompadour
got interesting results with truffles. Brillat-Savarin, the
French jurist and gastronome, found that the truffle "makes
women more amiable and men more amorous." Rabelais, on the
other hand, got his kicks from marzipan.

    Americans are no less fascinated by the allure of
aphrodisiacs. Some claim to use Spanish fly, a powder made from
the blister beetle, but it is poisonous and can kill you. The
ginseng root, long a staple among Asians, is popular in the
U.S. But nobody has yet bottled the genuine article, and until
that happens, one simple rule will continue to apply: a tiger's
penis or powdered peacock bones are aphrodisiacs only if you
think they are.

    Americans are not comfortable lurking in drugstores, waiting
for a chance to ask sotto voce for a pack of pomegranate pith,
so we disguise our pursuit of Aphrodite in more acceptable
forms: the pulse-racing perfume, the sexy dress, the dirty
dancing, even the lofty status. No less a personage than Henry
Kissinger asserted that view in the '70s. "Power," he said,
perhaps with sparrow's tongue in cheek, "is the great
aphrodisiac."

    But not everybody can be Secretary of State. For more and
more people, the ultimate aphrodisiac is called Physical
Fitness, a bigger turn-on than snails without sauce. Work out at
the gym, eat oat bran and other nutritious foods, and you will
have to fight off would-be lovers with a stick. To be sure, oat
bran is not very titillating, but think of it as your
contribution to the preservation of endangered species.

    It may also help to remember that fitness as a means of
courting Aphrodite has a long, respectable history. The canny
Sheik Nefzawi listed bodily health as one of eight essentials
for sexual delight. The other seven: "Absence of all care and
worry, an unembarrassed mind, natural gaiety of the spirit,
good nourishment, wealth, the variety of the faces of women and
the variety of their complexions." And maybe just once in a
while it wouldn't hurt to have a nice glass of camel's milk
mixed with honey.